It's been a long time not only since my last post but also since the story I'm about to tell happened. But I'll see what I can do.
Well Alice is originally from a town in Indiana very close to Chicago. Recently an old friend of hers from high school contacted her and lately they've been seeing eachother.
Let's start with red flag #1-- this gentleman caller's way of getting back in touch was a facebook comment on a photo in which she's mildly scantily clad. The comment was almost as forward as "you're hot, we should see eachother soon."
Anyhow, the whole deal here is that Alice effed up again but I am very over it.
and honestly...another thing to be over is the fact that I'm super duper jealous of her and her awesome life. So by pointing out her shortcomings, I feel better. This is how humans operate.
What I should be doing with my copious free time, rather than insulting my good friend, is working on myself. Isn't this the whole point?
Thus endeth my blog that wasn't really ever read by anyone.
Goodnight.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
The Backstory
So as I have been delving into dating advice reading material, I'm finding what some would call "playing games" to be very logical. I am able to see where I went wrong and where I went right in my past relationships. Additionally, I'm also able to see where Alice went right and ESPECIALLY where she went wrong.
A little note on Game Playing. A lot of people dismiss dating advice as just a game. Members of the more "mature" crowd say they're done playing games, that if you like someone you should let it flow naturally and not contrive it at all. And what about other couples who just seemed to hit it off and end up having a great relationship? They didn't seem to play games or plot out any sort plan to get the other to fall for them. Well I'm here to tell you that even when you're not following Rules or Playing Games, you might be unconsciously making all the right moves to get exactly what you want. So to you, you're not trying to play games, it's just happening.
The man I first fell in love with, let's call him Ben, was smitten with me because we had a great connection. But in addition to that, I was highly unavailable to him in the beginning. I didn't know it at the time but by so doing, I made him want me even more.
I was incredibly hesitant at the beginning of our courtship. The first time Ben tried to kiss me, I pulled away and told him that I needed some time. Later, I had told him I was going to visit his town (which was 3 hours away from mine) to see a show with a friend of mine, Val. A couple months earlier he had gotten his license suspended (different story for a different time) and though I had a license, I didn't have a car. For my trip down, Ben offered me couch space at his apartment and said he'd take care of getting tickets. I told Ben I'd pay so he was in town the next week he asked me to come up to his house to give him money for the show tickets. My friend (who had a car) drove me up there to pay him. After a couple moments he convinced us to join him at a dance club where a mutual friend of ours was celebrating a birthday.
So we're at the dance club, his inhibitions are lowering with each drink and I, though abstaining from alcohol (remember this), was getting a little drunk on the attention he was paying me. Sexy songs were played and I danced real close getting more and more turned on...and so was he. For reasons of my own, however, I was firmly resolved not to kiss a guy who wasn't my boyfriend and I made this very, very clear to him. Ok I left out a minor detail...we had before had sort of a moderately saucy fling a couple months prior but we had concluded that we weren't going to be anything more than friends. Then he took off for his college town so there was no more physical temptation. Well based on the fact that we had decided to be friends, I told him that even though there was an undeniable attraction, I would not kiss him. He even walked me to my car obviously dying to kiss me but I was firmly resolved and rode home with Val kissless.
Lo and behold a couple days later, Ben cons a friend into visiting me in my college dorm where I laid in bed with Ben 2 hours before finally chucking my resolution out the window as his stay was dwindling down to its final 2 minutes.
So then he leaves for his town, I stay in mine. The day of the show rolls around and Val and I make the trek down to see Ben. I'm having second thoughts about the Non-committal physical interaction so we make alternate sleeping arrangements. The show ends and we go out to karoke. Again, sleepiness sets in with me as he enjoys a beer. I'm sitting on his lap as I say "I want to go to bed with you" and he says "that can be arranged," as I could have probably just gone to his place instead of Val's sister's. But again, I resisted and slept on solitarily in a condo full of women.
Well then I finally break and go to his place the next day- blah, blah, blah. I broke my rule...but not after giving it some serious time to let the tension build. But here's the deal, I didn't mean to play Hard-to-Get, it just happened!
So if this doesn't prove the idea scoffed at by Gender Studies that men like to pursue and want what they can't have then I'm sure there are other accounts which prove my point.
Enough about me let's learn from Alice-- they Anti-Game Girl's mistakes.
Alice wants Prince Charming and I am not joking. I'm just a friend of hers...we're not besties yet I even know her Mr. Perfect List by heart:
Tall (6'3" to be exact) dark and handsome
Christian
Politically Conservative
Has a good job (makes lots of money)
Takes her out and pays for her everywhere they go
Opens doors and does all the gentlemanly behaviors one could imagine.
Now hi. She wears this on her sleeve. Her standards are sky high and won't settle for anything less than what she wants. Like I said before, she's into quality...or perfection if that's available.
There is something to be said about having standards and settung them high. There's some other issues about her ideal man that we'll address later though.
So it just so happened that Alice found a man who matched the above description to a T! She was so happy to have found him that when they went out, she was caught up and made sure she'd see him again and often. She invited him to go to church with her the very next day and asked him to join her strictly thereafter on a trip to Lowe's because she was moving from her apartment to her new home and needed help.
He was happy to help her and kept saying over and again "I really want to help you move in to your house, Alice." Of course they do dinner and drinks so she's had a few Cosmos (make note) and doesn't want to end the date right away so she invites him to her current apartment to show him what she's moving out of. Of course Alice is a total virgin and wouldn't have let anything happen but according to principles learned in this book, she should have ended the date at the height of impulse.
So Prince Charming helps Alice move into her new home and they barely go a day without seeing eachother for a week. He's an incredible help with all the handy work and even joins Alice at a family function. As she is telling me about all this fast moving never-a-moment without Mr. Perfect and even praying for cancelled apointments so she can see him and I say "hold on girl, are you sure you want this" and she dismisses my question with "We're not playing games."
So to myself and to her out loud I justify the reasons why these two people shouldn't fuss around with playing by any sort of Rule Book and go with the flow because obviously Alice, 28 and Prince Charming almost 30 have been waiting around for The One so if they found eachother, more power to them.
Things seemed to be going great. Alice changed her Facebook status to "In a Relationship" and I told her I was so happy for her, that she definitely deserves this after all the horrible dates she's been on.
One day, after Alice had settled into her house and had very few finishing touches left to add to her decorating, she and Mr. Perfect attended the German-American festival...something Alice would never have before been caught dead at. She said he ignored her all night long and drove her home, dropped her off at her house and said goodbye- no hug, no kiss. She was quite perturbed by this so she made a couple hysterical phone calls to girlfriends complaining about what happened until finally she decided to call him because she knew she wouldn't see him for a week as he would be leaving town for business the next day.
She said, "are you seeing this as more of a friends thing because the way you were acting tonight and when you dropped me off is confusing me." Well Prince Charming, who is actually just a normal guy, says "well yes actually. I have committment issues, I got out of a relationship a little while ago and I'm not on solid footing."
Well DUH she gave him an out after having called him at 2 in the morning begging to have resolution to this burning issue about how he behaved to her in front of all his guy friends. Gracious Goodness. By this point, I found I had very little sympathy for Alice because finally after having played all her cards wrong he was backing out.
To this day she continues to blame her not being with Mr. Perfect on his one and only character flaw, not having his sh*t together.
Of course all of this is second hand information so as always, there are details left out and glossed over.
But the point remains. If you want to find love everlasting, you can't blast into a relationship full force. You have to pull away making the other want you more. And you can't go balistic on a guy!
A little note on Game Playing. A lot of people dismiss dating advice as just a game. Members of the more "mature" crowd say they're done playing games, that if you like someone you should let it flow naturally and not contrive it at all. And what about other couples who just seemed to hit it off and end up having a great relationship? They didn't seem to play games or plot out any sort plan to get the other to fall for them. Well I'm here to tell you that even when you're not following Rules or Playing Games, you might be unconsciously making all the right moves to get exactly what you want. So to you, you're not trying to play games, it's just happening.
The man I first fell in love with, let's call him Ben, was smitten with me because we had a great connection. But in addition to that, I was highly unavailable to him in the beginning. I didn't know it at the time but by so doing, I made him want me even more.
I was incredibly hesitant at the beginning of our courtship. The first time Ben tried to kiss me, I pulled away and told him that I needed some time. Later, I had told him I was going to visit his town (which was 3 hours away from mine) to see a show with a friend of mine, Val. A couple months earlier he had gotten his license suspended (different story for a different time) and though I had a license, I didn't have a car. For my trip down, Ben offered me couch space at his apartment and said he'd take care of getting tickets. I told Ben I'd pay so he was in town the next week he asked me to come up to his house to give him money for the show tickets. My friend (who had a car) drove me up there to pay him. After a couple moments he convinced us to join him at a dance club where a mutual friend of ours was celebrating a birthday.
So we're at the dance club, his inhibitions are lowering with each drink and I, though abstaining from alcohol (remember this), was getting a little drunk on the attention he was paying me. Sexy songs were played and I danced real close getting more and more turned on...and so was he. For reasons of my own, however, I was firmly resolved not to kiss a guy who wasn't my boyfriend and I made this very, very clear to him. Ok I left out a minor detail...we had before had sort of a moderately saucy fling a couple months prior but we had concluded that we weren't going to be anything more than friends. Then he took off for his college town so there was no more physical temptation. Well based on the fact that we had decided to be friends, I told him that even though there was an undeniable attraction, I would not kiss him. He even walked me to my car obviously dying to kiss me but I was firmly resolved and rode home with Val kissless.
Lo and behold a couple days later, Ben cons a friend into visiting me in my college dorm where I laid in bed with Ben 2 hours before finally chucking my resolution out the window as his stay was dwindling down to its final 2 minutes.
So then he leaves for his town, I stay in mine. The day of the show rolls around and Val and I make the trek down to see Ben. I'm having second thoughts about the Non-committal physical interaction so we make alternate sleeping arrangements. The show ends and we go out to karoke. Again, sleepiness sets in with me as he enjoys a beer. I'm sitting on his lap as I say "I want to go to bed with you" and he says "that can be arranged," as I could have probably just gone to his place instead of Val's sister's. But again, I resisted and slept on solitarily in a condo full of women.
Well then I finally break and go to his place the next day- blah, blah, blah. I broke my rule...but not after giving it some serious time to let the tension build. But here's the deal, I didn't mean to play Hard-to-Get, it just happened!
So if this doesn't prove the idea scoffed at by Gender Studies that men like to pursue and want what they can't have then I'm sure there are other accounts which prove my point.
Enough about me let's learn from Alice-- they Anti-Game Girl's mistakes.
Alice wants Prince Charming and I am not joking. I'm just a friend of hers...we're not besties yet I even know her Mr. Perfect List by heart:
Tall (6'3" to be exact) dark and handsome
Christian
Politically Conservative
Has a good job (makes lots of money)
Takes her out and pays for her everywhere they go
Opens doors and does all the gentlemanly behaviors one could imagine.
Now hi. She wears this on her sleeve. Her standards are sky high and won't settle for anything less than what she wants. Like I said before, she's into quality...or perfection if that's available.
There is something to be said about having standards and settung them high. There's some other issues about her ideal man that we'll address later though.
So it just so happened that Alice found a man who matched the above description to a T! She was so happy to have found him that when they went out, she was caught up and made sure she'd see him again and often. She invited him to go to church with her the very next day and asked him to join her strictly thereafter on a trip to Lowe's because she was moving from her apartment to her new home and needed help.
He was happy to help her and kept saying over and again "I really want to help you move in to your house, Alice." Of course they do dinner and drinks so she's had a few Cosmos (make note) and doesn't want to end the date right away so she invites him to her current apartment to show him what she's moving out of. Of course Alice is a total virgin and wouldn't have let anything happen but according to principles learned in this book, she should have ended the date at the height of impulse.
So Prince Charming helps Alice move into her new home and they barely go a day without seeing eachother for a week. He's an incredible help with all the handy work and even joins Alice at a family function. As she is telling me about all this fast moving never-a-moment without Mr. Perfect and even praying for cancelled apointments so she can see him and I say "hold on girl, are you sure you want this" and she dismisses my question with "We're not playing games."
So to myself and to her out loud I justify the reasons why these two people shouldn't fuss around with playing by any sort of Rule Book and go with the flow because obviously Alice, 28 and Prince Charming almost 30 have been waiting around for The One so if they found eachother, more power to them.
Things seemed to be going great. Alice changed her Facebook status to "In a Relationship" and I told her I was so happy for her, that she definitely deserves this after all the horrible dates she's been on.
One day, after Alice had settled into her house and had very few finishing touches left to add to her decorating, she and Mr. Perfect attended the German-American festival...something Alice would never have before been caught dead at. She said he ignored her all night long and drove her home, dropped her off at her house and said goodbye- no hug, no kiss. She was quite perturbed by this so she made a couple hysterical phone calls to girlfriends complaining about what happened until finally she decided to call him because she knew she wouldn't see him for a week as he would be leaving town for business the next day.
She said, "are you seeing this as more of a friends thing because the way you were acting tonight and when you dropped me off is confusing me." Well Prince Charming, who is actually just a normal guy, says "well yes actually. I have committment issues, I got out of a relationship a little while ago and I'm not on solid footing."
Well DUH she gave him an out after having called him at 2 in the morning begging to have resolution to this burning issue about how he behaved to her in front of all his guy friends. Gracious Goodness. By this point, I found I had very little sympathy for Alice because finally after having played all her cards wrong he was backing out.
To this day she continues to blame her not being with Mr. Perfect on his one and only character flaw, not having his sh*t together.
Of course all of this is second hand information so as always, there are details left out and glossed over.
But the point remains. If you want to find love everlasting, you can't blast into a relationship full force. You have to pull away making the other want you more. And you can't go balistic on a guy!
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Single, Sexy and would never Settle
I have a friend. For privacy purposes, let's call her Alice. Alice is into living The Life--she loves fashion, fine food and wine, high quality belongings and pretty much anything that adds status to her profile.
On the surface, Alice has it going on. She's in a management-level position of an independent sales business and she makes a great living for a single girl in her late 20's. Her house is decked out in black and white paisley with pink accents. She just purchased stainless steel appliances for her kitchen in which she cooks delicious gourmet-style meals and brews delicious coffee in her Gevalia coffee maker.
She is thin, beautiful, always smelling nice and looking like the essence of femininity. Why is she single???
Well she, as well as other people in her life often ask the above question. As dearly as I love my friend Alice, I'm able to see some of the flaws in her dating history. I desperately want to help her. I have certain books I've read that I think could really help her change the way she thinks about snagging a husband. But handing someone a book isn't going to change their life. Plus why would a 28 year old single woman who has a blossoming career listen to dating advice from a 21 year old recent college graduate who is living with her parents and also single?
In the business that Alice and I are both a part of we are often told that we can't help someone grow without first growing ourselves. In the leadership of the new business associates we recruit, we're taught the best way we can lead our followers is by building our own business. We can't preach something we don't personally practice.
Interestingly enough, I just purchased a dating advice book written by a Saleswoman. She teaches sales techniques for "closing the deal with any guy you want." Isn't it wildly appropriate for a single girl successful in independent sales to read this book at follow its advice? I think so.
So here's my plan. I'm keeping all the jewels I learn from this book Top Secret (at least to Alice) and as I apply the techniques and see my dating life flourish, Alice will be either dying to know what I'm doing differently or whining that she doesn't have my luck.
Let's see what happens, shall we?
On the surface, Alice has it going on. She's in a management-level position of an independent sales business and she makes a great living for a single girl in her late 20's. Her house is decked out in black and white paisley with pink accents. She just purchased stainless steel appliances for her kitchen in which she cooks delicious gourmet-style meals and brews delicious coffee in her Gevalia coffee maker.
She is thin, beautiful, always smelling nice and looking like the essence of femininity. Why is she single???
Well she, as well as other people in her life often ask the above question. As dearly as I love my friend Alice, I'm able to see some of the flaws in her dating history. I desperately want to help her. I have certain books I've read that I think could really help her change the way she thinks about snagging a husband. But handing someone a book isn't going to change their life. Plus why would a 28 year old single woman who has a blossoming career listen to dating advice from a 21 year old recent college graduate who is living with her parents and also single?
In the business that Alice and I are both a part of we are often told that we can't help someone grow without first growing ourselves. In the leadership of the new business associates we recruit, we're taught the best way we can lead our followers is by building our own business. We can't preach something we don't personally practice.
Interestingly enough, I just purchased a dating advice book written by a Saleswoman. She teaches sales techniques for "closing the deal with any guy you want." Isn't it wildly appropriate for a single girl successful in independent sales to read this book at follow its advice? I think so.
So here's my plan. I'm keeping all the jewels I learn from this book Top Secret (at least to Alice) and as I apply the techniques and see my dating life flourish, Alice will be either dying to know what I'm doing differently or whining that she doesn't have my luck.
Let's see what happens, shall we?
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